Irony abounds, so does the hurt

So the infuriating irony of this past month is that the very reasons I had started to learn about how to be the Observer, and why it's such a necessary aspect of living in the moment, of holding on to your inner stillness, all that new age type spiritual stuff that rolls so easily off the tongue but in reality is so fucking hard to achieve, I REALLY needed to learn to not only save my sanity but probably save my entire being after what has transpired the rest of this month.

But instead I royally fucked up my private tutoring by responding with my emotions and fears and needs, and trying to control the situation and being attached to the outcome--yep, all the real nasty sins when you are clawing up that spiritual ladder--so now I feel like I essentially stunted whatever the future would have taught me had I not pushed for answers when I needed them and they were not ready to be given.

It hurts like hell, and even though am trying to be compassionate, and not pissed at my needy and  exhausted and kinda fragile self, I can't even get my Detached Higher Self game on.

Today the topic at the Multicultural leadership seminar at the Museum of Tolerance was Emotional Intelligence.  Amazing stuff, truly brilliant and so necessary to learn.  One of the main points made was studies have shown that when you are reacting strongly and emotionally to something, once you name the emotion, you diffuse its power over you greatly.

Wish I would have known that a few weeks ago.

Kol Nidrei

Tonight is Kol Nidrei, the eve of Yom Kippur. I'm not going to synagogue this year, I am way too burnt out on organized religion at the moment. So I am creating my own practice.

Today I went to do Tashleickt ...I threw pieces of a Starbuck bought bagel into the Marina del Rey canal while seagulls swooped down to catch every morsel. I atoned for my judgements, my failures, my actions that were not inspired--I forgave everyone else and even forgave myself.

Now, listening to a stunning recording of Kol Nidrei by Jacqueline Du Pre on You Tube, I realized that Kol Nidrei is kind of the Jewish version of living in the moment. You pray to be absolved for falling short, for simply doing the best you can do in the coming year. You release yourself from the "Shoulds and the "Should have". You live each day and do your best and if you don't quite ascend to those lofty heights, you've already created, via your prayer tonight, an absolution.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. It's too easy. Not that I really want to beat myself up (my friends can all start laughing now) that much, but, I am not that keen on pre-forgiveness. I want to try hard not to fail. I don't want it to be already okay.

But wait. That means that next year, during yet another Tashleickt, I will throw bread to the seagulls and forgive myself again. Maybe it is better to have the inner peace that Kol Nidrei represents.

May we all be inscribed in the Book of Life for a good and sweet year, a year of peace (inner and outer) and a year of knowing only love and not fear.

Mercury Retrograde vs f.8 and Be There

As I sit at home writing this I am hyper-aware that I had planned to be in Long Beach, yesterday and today, photographing His Holiness the Dali Lama. As it happens, the organization hosting the teaching event did not respond to inquiries for credentials or even basic information, even though I submitted the paperwork weeks ago. I'd heard their main media person respectfully pulled out of running the event due to complete disorganization and lack of communication.

Blame it on one of the worst Mercury Retrogrades in recent memory. It seems as though communication between people, both interpersonal and technical, for these past weeks has been fraught with every glitch possible. Egos were up while GMail was down. Everything is a balaghan, everything devolves into chaos.

But MY truth of why I am not even trying to be there and make photographs is that I am in a funk.

A few weeks ago, a new romantic interest went south. I'd put myself out there, emotionally, more than I had in a long long time. No matter how uncomfortable it felt, I stayed as vulnerable as I could be, vowed not to play games, not to hold my cards close to my chest, and, in the end, the more I revealed, the more I got slammed. And it hurt, badly, and I am still nursing my wounds.

But the saving grace of this experience is that it most definitely is, to quote the new cliche, A Teachable Moment.

I was taught by this woman how to become the Observer. To observe myself. As I am going about my day, I learned how to watch myself doing what I do, how I do them, why I do them, when I do them, where I do what I do, and when I do what I do...(okay, always the journalist here.)

I learned the concept that to be the Observer of your Self is the gateway to the Higher Self. By observing yourself, you can detach from your small self, and practice living in bliss because you are not holding on to your ego, your needs, your wants or desires, or any of those pesky things that run rampant and rob you of your inner stillness. To quote Lao Ma, "the entire world is driven by a Will...in order to transcend the limitations of that world, you need to stop willing, stop desiring..."

While observing me being me, I learned exactly how disconnected I am from me. I saw in neon lights how much I am not connected to what drives me: my passion. Specifically, my passion for making pictures. (Ironically, I took a Facebook quiz a couple days ago of what Chinese symbol are you? and I am Passion.)

What is so beautifully ironic about this, is that being the Observer is exactly what being a photographer is at its essence. The photographer is the one who elevates those non-attached-to-self-moments in time into immortality. The act of clicking the shutter is that moment of Zen, the definition of inner stillness when time stops for one-twenty-fifth of a second.

So why am I in a funk? Because there is a third place, a Netherworld, which I define as that place in between being the Observer and being fully immersed exactly what drives you: your passion, and I am stuck between the two.

How to free myself: f.8 and be there.

Lessons and more lessons

I've been neglecting posting for past couple of weeks, probably because I am now home in Los Angeles, and the truth is that I am just not that excited about what I see everyday. To be sure, there are amazing vignettes of the joy and the sorrow of the human existence everywhere, to be witnessed every moment.

So why am I so often wishing I were anywhere but here?

I've decided that the antidote to this ungrateful malaise is to document, both in images and in words, what it means to be human in Los Angeles.

Now...where did I put my M9?