Freefalling...Tel Aviv style

Sunday morning:  It's 4:00 in the morning and I can't sleep, and have one of those toxins released headaches, thanks to an amazing massage earlier today, along with shiatsu pushing of all my emotional trigger points.  As Hannah the Healer said when she finished, all the toxins are raging through my bloodstream right now....an Israeli understatement.

So, I'm hugely emotionally wired right now and it seems the universe is throwing spiritual fastballs and curve balls these past few days and it's all I can do not to strike out.  What makes it all harder to deal with rationally and not overreact is that I am not at all in my comfort zone, with nothing to grasp on to when I freefall. So my fears and issues rage with nothing to talk me down from the ledge.

At least if I am home then I am home when this happens. Here I am home, but in such a different way. I am spiritually home, physically I am in Israel so I have come home, but I am not in my own home, with my own trappings and distractions and comforts and escapes. This stunning view of the beach is great comfort but it is still not mine, with my stuff in the drawers and my photographs on the walls.  I miss Leica-la badly and I miss my stuff, my routine that you only have when you are at your address. It blows my mind that today I went from dreading going home to missing home. I miss my friends in LA, but even that is a metaphor because BFF Paul is now in Taiwan (healing my heart via Skype), Lana is still in Doha, Brigitte is in New York, and most beloved Lauren and David and the kids are poised to move to Charlotte. So what also weighs on my heart more than ever is that I will be coming back to an LA that is a colder place than when I left.

An hour before going out on my birthday I had scary news about my Dad, and essentially said good bye just in case something happens while I am not there.

Tonight I spoke to him and he's having one of his bad, confused days.  My Mom is a stepping up to situation like a rock-star, but I worry about her too.

Today, Saturday, Shabbat, I went to synagogue for the first time in around 5 years. It was a completely different experience than any I have ever had. Going to synagogue in Israel by definition is a different experience. It's that local call thing again.

What added to it was that this was at a Rabbi's home in Hertzilya, and it was so gentle, and so that even though it was all in Hebrew, and I did not fully comprehend what was being said, it didn't matter.  I felt welcome, I understood the essence and I absorbed what I needed to further piece back together this spiritually cracked heart of mine. Thanks again, Illana:)