Kol Nidrei

Tonight is Kol Nidrei, the eve of Yom Kippur. I'm not going to synagogue this year, I am way too burnt out on organized religion at the moment. So I am creating my own practice.

Today I went to do Tashleickt ...I threw pieces of a Starbuck bought bagel into the Marina del Rey canal while seagulls swooped down to catch every morsel. I atoned for my judgements, my failures, my actions that were not inspired--I forgave everyone else and even forgave myself.

Now, listening to a stunning recording of Kol Nidrei by Jacqueline Du Pre on You Tube, I realized that Kol Nidrei is kind of the Jewish version of living in the moment. You pray to be absolved for falling short, for simply doing the best you can do in the coming year. You release yourself from the "Shoulds and the "Should have". You live each day and do your best and if you don't quite ascend to those lofty heights, you've already created, via your prayer tonight, an absolution.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. It's too easy. Not that I really want to beat myself up (my friends can all start laughing now) that much, but, I am not that keen on pre-forgiveness. I want to try hard not to fail. I don't want it to be already okay.

But wait. That means that next year, during yet another Tashleickt, I will throw bread to the seagulls and forgive myself again. Maybe it is better to have the inner peace that Kol Nidrei represents.

May we all be inscribed in the Book of Life for a good and sweet year, a year of peace (inner and outer) and a year of knowing only love and not fear.