Mercury Retrograde vs f.8 and Be There

As I sit at home writing this I am hyper-aware that I had planned to be in Long Beach, yesterday and today, photographing His Holiness the Dali Lama. As it happens, the organization hosting the teaching event did not respond to inquiries for credentials or even basic information, even though I submitted the paperwork weeks ago. I'd heard their main media person respectfully pulled out of running the event due to complete disorganization and lack of communication.

Blame it on one of the worst Mercury Retrogrades in recent memory. It seems as though communication between people, both interpersonal and technical, for these past weeks has been fraught with every glitch possible. Egos were up while GMail was down. Everything is a balaghan, everything devolves into chaos.

But MY truth of why I am not even trying to be there and make photographs is that I am in a funk.

A few weeks ago, a new romantic interest went south. I'd put myself out there, emotionally, more than I had in a long long time. No matter how uncomfortable it felt, I stayed as vulnerable as I could be, vowed not to play games, not to hold my cards close to my chest, and, in the end, the more I revealed, the more I got slammed. And it hurt, badly, and I am still nursing my wounds.

But the saving grace of this experience is that it most definitely is, to quote the new cliche, A Teachable Moment.

I was taught by this woman how to become the Observer. To observe myself. As I am going about my day, I learned how to watch myself doing what I do, how I do them, why I do them, when I do them, where I do what I do, and when I do what I do...(okay, always the journalist here.)

I learned the concept that to be the Observer of your Self is the gateway to the Higher Self. By observing yourself, you can detach from your small self, and practice living in bliss because you are not holding on to your ego, your needs, your wants or desires, or any of those pesky things that run rampant and rob you of your inner stillness. To quote Lao Ma, "the entire world is driven by a Will...in order to transcend the limitations of that world, you need to stop willing, stop desiring..."

While observing me being me, I learned exactly how disconnected I am from me. I saw in neon lights how much I am not connected to what drives me: my passion. Specifically, my passion for making pictures. (Ironically, I took a Facebook quiz a couple days ago of what Chinese symbol are you? and I am Passion.)

What is so beautifully ironic about this, is that being the Observer is exactly what being a photographer is at its essence. The photographer is the one who elevates those non-attached-to-self-moments in time into immortality. The act of clicking the shutter is that moment of Zen, the definition of inner stillness when time stops for one-twenty-fifth of a second.

So why am I in a funk? Because there is a third place, a Netherworld, which I define as that place in between being the Observer and being fully immersed exactly what drives you: your passion, and I am stuck between the two.

How to free myself: f.8 and be there.